So, it's Sunday...good weekend so far...helped friends move into the cutest little house yesterday...watched their one-year-old daughter, Deirdre, the night before to help give them some last minute packing time...we had such a good time with her.
I've been trying to work on shutting down the whole desire for more children thing...to protect myself in case this month's insemination doesn't work...thinking of moving on...accomplishing other goals, like my education...and coming up with all the reasons it'd be great to have Mac and call it a day. Then we watch Deirdre for the night, see her laugh, feed her pasta dinner to the dogs, even cry through her bath and it reminds me that all my "reasoning" is kind of bullshit. Nothing...absolutely nothing can compare to a child putting their head on your shoulder...she did that after we got her dressed in pajamas and it instantly made tears come to my eyes.
So, my intention was to post about it being Sunday and there being a brief taste of Fall here...even though the weatherman has said it'll be gone by tomorrow. I was going to talk about what I wanted to get done today...like tackle the pile of clothes at the foot of my bed and imputting all of Sean's meetings for the school year into my palm pilot, but instead I'm depressing infertile girl yet again...when will it stop?!?
It's getting ridiculous...my pain is starting to hit a fevered pitch...I've had it controlled for too long...smiled and said, "Oh it's okay...it's got be happening for a reason...we'll be fine"...at this point it's taking over...and I HATE it...I don't want to be this person...I don't want this bitterness...and I don't know what to do...
So, I'll go tackle a to-do list...I go put away my clothes and be thankful I get to buy the cute shirts that I find...I'll go organize Mac's school uniforms and be thankful that I have him to do that for and that I have his father who has Mac this weekend :)...I'll play with the layout on my desk and be thankful that I get to scrapbook and I'm lucky enough to have such a neat place to do it in...I'll have some lunch with Sean and be thankful for good food and good company and the trimmed backyard he's working on as I type.
I have everything I need and given the choice of crying over what I don't have and being happy with how much I'm blessed with...I choose happy...as best I can...I choose happy.
Off to put away clothes...
