of depression and comfort...swinging back and forth still...it'll be okay...oh my God I can't handle this...back and forth.
Trying to count my blessings, like these flowers...you know what the most amazing part of these flowers are? They're from Laura...and I don't know which one. Laura my best friend? Laura my kind-hearted neighbor? Laura who is a fellow Orange County scrapbooking friend? I realized I have three Laura's...and dozens upon dozens of other people trying to will me through this with their thoughts and prayers and kind actions. How could you be more fortunate?
Yet, then I'm empty...just dragging right now. Trying not to think of this situation, trying not to hope, trying to just get through today. Trying to stay busy...taking the ultrasound photos down off the fridge, putting all the bottles away in the nursery so we won't see them every time we open a kitchen cabinet....only to see her Pottery Barn Easter bucket sitting there with her name on it and stuffed with toys.
You know what the worst part of all this is? That it's just going to get worse. It's not like I can suffer for a few days and then see the light at the tunnel. I'm not even at the tunnel yet...I'm still in disbelief that there really is a tunnel before me. That this really is happening.
I hate that since yesterday's phone call I'm just waiting for the phone to ring again...I just want to scream, "Just make up your fucking mind!", but that's not fair to Roxana...but honestly what she did to us and now what her indecision is doing to us is not fair. We have no doubts about our daughter but now we have to deal with fact that she took her and now isn't quite sure, maybe...but then she'll keep her...and that'll make us feel good because we won't even have the thought of, "Well, she really wanted her" to fall back on...now it's "Well, hopefully she really wanted her". Yet, we'll never know.
I am not doing good today. I hate that I have nothing to look forward to, but more pain. Yes, there's life beyond it...I've received 100's of reassuring messages about that which I'm really grateful for...but right now and for as long as I can see before me this is my life.
