every freaking last word...thank you...I need them all...I'm going to continue to need them all. I feel you concern, sorrow & your tears...it feels so much better to know I'm not alone.
So, today...up...down...up...down. The lowest is sobbing with a onsie that smelled like Darby. The best I can do it right now...and it's such a damn shame I have to just wait around for another inevitable low. I fear it'll be in the middle of the night, listening for Darby breathing and knowing she's an hour away with someone else. But, then I can get up if I need to in come into the computer and read what you've wrote and pour my heart out once again.
My new plight is working with the adoption agency and the shelter to try and put more thought into what families like us and birth-mom's like Roxana need. Both before to prevent this and after to help this. For instance yesterday the agency wanted to pick Darby up and take her back to Roxana. I'm so glad they relented to my insistence that WE were doing this. That our hearts couldn't afford the mystery of not seeing it before our very eyes...the closure...the finality. I think they need to keep that in mind for future families, granted God willing we're the last ones to ever go through this, but we all know that's an impossibility. As for Roxana she didn't get the help she needed and when they tried it was too late and she shut them out. She went to the place of an irrational, heartbroken mother. Where as earlier in the week she was a rational heartbroken mother. She ceased thought of what was the place of most security and opportunity for her child and just needed to have the pain taken away. You can't fault her for that. She needed help, she still needs help and we need to figure out a way for birth-mom's like her to get it.
Honestly, I shouldn't say anything but, one of the directors at the shelter called a little while ago and said, with no misgivings of false hope, that Roxana is considering not doing this. PLEASE don't tell me how great that is or how you'll pray for that or anything of the sort. I CANNOT HAVE FALSE HOPE. Just keep your thoughts to yourself on this for my sake. The only place that hope is going to get me is this place all over again. It's the easier place to go right now...all the dreams of a possible reunion...BUT I CAN'T. If I stay committed to working through my grief and the true realization of our situation I can be a few days ahead in the world instead of starting all over again when she changes her mind. She wanted to know if we would take the baby back and I said yes, but she has to realize that we can't trust her and we CANNOT do this unless it is completely done. Signed, sealed and done. We have to protect our family at this point and we've had all we can take.
I just want to thank you all again...and again...and again. I feel so blessed in all of this, I really do. I know I need to heal myself and my family, but just knowing that you're thinking of us and what our future holds means more than I can ever find words for.