Everything I can do...

It occurred to me when I woke up this morning that I haven't tried.  It's not about trying to get my daughter back, but I haven't tried to express myself to the people that I really need to hear it.  Roxana's mom gets back from Mexico tonight and I feel I should talk to her...to understand...to hear her words, whatever they may be...to make sure she knows how I'm feeling.  I've been thinking of calling her all day since I have her cell phone number on my phone from Roxana's many calls to her.  I don't want to argue or push my cause, but I need more information to gain serious closure.  I also need to know I have done EVERYTHING I could...and being quiet is not part of that.

After my post this morning I decided to compose an e-mail to Roxana.  I assuming when she gets home tomorrow she will check her e-mail since that seems to be an important part of her life.  I wrote it, read it, had Sean read it, revised it a little, read it again and had Sean read it again...but I haven't pressed the send button.  I just wanted you to read it so I have reassurance that my message is being conveyed properly..that I need her to hear my thoughts, REGARDLESS of her final decision.  I know in my heart this won't make a difference, well a difference to anyone but me and that just has to be important right now.  Yes, this baby is her daughter, but she was my daughter too and I feel as if I have the right to express myself.  Please be honest with me...I just want to know I've carefully examined what I'm doing.

Dear Roxana...

I have sat through the weekend at the mercy of the phone ringing and when I woke up this morning something hit me.  I NEED to talk to you. 

Weeks ago when you picked Sean and I to be Darby's parents you said that you liked that we were honest.  You are right, we are, and I honestly wouldn't be me if I didn't communicate, if I just kept all these thoughts and emotions inside myself.  Granted I can talk to Sean, my family or friends...and trust me I have...it's the only thing barely getting me through right now...but you need to hear what I'm saying...I NEED you to hear what I'm saying.

I'm not angry, but I am devastated.  Our entire family is devastated.  You saw that on Thursday night and you ignored it.  I'm sure it was a lot to take in, the tears of a little boy losing his sister, a grown man unabashedly crying in front of you, and me with my guttural sobs because my heart was literally torn out.  It killed the three of us that you wouldn't even look, let alone say anything.  That you could walk right by us when for the last seven weeks we had done nothing but love you...and try and be as good to you as we could. 

Darby is our daughter.  We have NEVER been happier as a family, or as a married couple, than we were those six days.  We celebrated everything...seriously every time she burped after being fed we'd cheer her on.  Every moment of every day and night we were blessed.  She was magic to all three of us...our family was complete and we felt like the luckiest people in the world to have this little girl.  We had so many dreams for her. 

Now we have reminders all over our house that we have lost our daughter, our dream come true.  Sean cried on Saturday morning when he realized he slept through most of the night before.  He doesn't want to sleep, he wants to be sleep deprived with his hungry daughter in his arms needing him.  Mac wanted to wear his "Darby's Big Brother" t-shirt to school today.  He keeps talking about how much he misses her.  As for me, I cry...I bury my face in her dirty laundry because it smells like her...I honestly don't know how I'll ever wash it.  Her stuffed Easter bucket sits tucked away in her room, her Easter dress, her name on the wall, all the cards from our friends and family.  It KILLS me now.

The packet came from the adoption agency with the report from Kelly.  We read through it all this morning & it lists the reasons you were placing your daughter for adoption...here they are quoted...

"Roxana gave the following reasons for wanting to place her daughter for adoption:

1. I am not financially stable

2. Adoption is the best option for my baby

3. I am giving a gift to the adoptive couple

4. I am not in a place in my life where I can raise a child right now

5. I want to finish school and pursue my career"

Those are amazing reasons, such good reasons, and they are all as true today as the day you first said them, and honestly they will remain true forever.  I just worry that you haven't truly thought of any of these reasons you gave.  I worry about you are going to raise a daughter.  I worry about how your mom will have to take care of you both. I worry that this little girl had PARENTS that were ready to give her every last thing she needed in her life, her entire life...Sean and I are sure, we have no uncertainties that we want this baby, we can provide what this baby needs.  So when I hear from Mary that you're not sure and want to see if we would want Darby back...I'm beyond grateful that you're really thinking about this, but it tortures me when she is my heart's deepest desire, no questions asked.   

Roxana, I love you.  I want the world for you too.  I want God's will to be done no matter what it is.  I want my Darby Jane and your Korie Jade to have everything she so richly deserves. 

I hope and pray you've read this.  It's not about changing your mind...it's about the fact that I'm a mother who has lost her daughter and I needed you to know how I am feeling.  You were a mother who was placing her daughter with a family for five excellent, life altering reasons...you had those steadfast practicalities to fall back on for reassurance.  I have nothing to fall back on, and that is why I needed to write this to you.

We're praying for you Roxana, and for our Darby.  We have hundreds of people saying prayers for you too.  Please follow your heart AND your head.  I would really like to hear your thoughts...I just want to understand.

Love,

Nora