Just Make Stuff

Campers...

Are safe in their beds at Camp tonight...they inevitably started arriving almost two hours early today...they just couldn't wait a minute longer...after all, they've been waiting every minute since Camp ended last summer. :) We got to come home early tonight (9:30pm) to catch up on a little sleep before tomorrow, when the fun really begins...the first day of Journal.  The gluesticks and decorative edge scissors are ready to go!!

(the picture is everyone getting ready for the big group photo...notice Mac is front and center getting himself a quick drink in the hot sun)

Holy Construction Paper Batman!!!

It's late, but I gotta share...

Yes, that's all made out of construction paper...and it's so very done...if fact the whole classroom is...granted not in this picture....but I just had to share....can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me.

The campers get to Camp tomorrow morning...CANNOT WAIT...I am soooo ready.

(but for now I'm going to bed)

And we're off...

at least five big boxes of supplies...check

4 rolls of blue tape...check

about 6 dozen glue sticks...check

a ton of superhero stickers...check

4 new mixes loaded on my Ipod...check

The car's all packed up and we're heading to Camp in a few minutes.  I can't believe it's finally here.  Long days are before us and TONS of fun.  We sleep at home every night so I'll try and share some of the fun and excitement if I can...but we usually don't get home until LATE. 

Hope you all have a good weekend...we sure as heck are going to. :)

Mixing it Up...

No reason for this post, other than to clear away some of the doldrums of infertility that I've been sharing lately. (should I admit I was in my pajamas all day laying around about as depressed as one can get?--well, not really laying around...but definitely moping)

This is sitting on my desk.  Lately I've bought cool ribbon from Guilded Lilee and The Ribbon Jar.  I wanted to store them in something fun so I grabbed a mixing bowl from our kitchen and it has thrilled me to no end all week.

It's the little things, right?

The Fork...

Got a call back late this afternoon from the urologist my husband is seeing (as opposed to the one who will indeed be performing surgery on my son, as we found out yesterday) about the cost for a testicular biopsy to make sure there are viable sperm for invitro. 

The doctor was so great...could have just said, "it's ten million dollars" or whatever and got off the phone.  Instead he said he wanted to discuss this and stayed on the phone with me for twenty minutes (which is a lot in doctor world).   Long story short, I got off the phone, announced we are adopting, and burst into tears.  Hearing about three hour exploratory surgeries where they just keep poking around until they find something, hearing about the 20% chance of testosterone damage, hearing he thinks there's an 80% chance that this will all work. 

I CAN'T take it.

I don't gamble.  I don't take chances.  I don't guess.

So, Sean and I took my weepy self to meet my mom to go to an outdoor concert in a neighborhood park....I was kicking myself for not bringing my camera, it was a beautiful night.  The setting sun flickering through the tall trees.  The breeze and Irish music.  Seeing different people we know from here and there.  All the while in my mind I tried to grasp it.

Adoption

Adoption

Adoption

I need to continue to mull this over, to let it sink in, to cry more, and to hope more. 

I want a sign.

I don't need a guarantee, but I would love to just have a little reassurance that this is the path.  By not doing invitro we're leaving that possibility open...the "what if?"...even if we tried and it failed we'd KNOW. 

I want my heart to KNOW...to not look back.

So, here's the fork in our road...

I just don't know what else to say besides that. 

Shaking it off...

Got to do it again, just shake it off, that heart dragging on the ground feeling.

Went to a Camp meeting yesterday...always so much fun.  Granted, Camp is all about the campers, but the team leaders, staff, and directors are the most amazing collection of people.  They do whatever it takes whenever it takes to make Camp better and the sheer amount of creativity is astounding.  I've said before if you handed all of us all the world's problems we could fix them.  It's just an amazing mass of minds and hearts.

Anyways, their are four other married couples that are directors and staff at Camp.  Three of them are pregnant.  Bellies everywhere...now I have a belly but there's nothing in it. :) I literally have been having nightmares about this...just discussions of pregnancies and babies all around me and I sit empty.

So, I've just got to shake it off...for the millionth time.  On the bright side there's nothing like a little baby depression to get me off my ass on the infertility scheduling.  Last week when we found out our good friends were pregnant I called to find out exactly what we need to do to get Sean's biopsy.  Now this morning, three more phone calls are in to find out how much all this testicle fun and excitement is going to cost. :)

On another slightly related and thoroughly ironic note, Mac and I have an appointment today with a pediatric urologist since it seems he has an un-descended (sp?) testicle...when the pediatrician discovered it last month I just started laughing.

I'm going to say it...

What is it about me that both guys in my life have testicle issues???  I've often kid around that I have a "grab a guy by the balls" personality...but I promise you I haven't! :) 

I guess it's slightly reassuring that even though my heart is heavy, my inappropriate sense of humor is still fully intact...

Best weekend...

For so many reasons...

It was just quiet and easy going.  It was still pretty darn productive. We were always in the same room, watching golf, cooking, working on different things.  We talked and talked and talked.

It wasn't anything too out of the ordinary for us, it was just good stuff.  The kind of weekend that makes us ready to tackle our week...and we have quite a week to tackle. 

We've gotten a lot done for Camp...we have A LOT more to get done for Camp, but we both agree if we keep our noses to the grindstone we'll be sitting pretty next week.  If we can get all done our biggest worry will be construction paper skyscrapers. 

Camp is always a little extra special for us because it's actually where we got engaged...in the middle of the night while I was crying over...construction paper skyscrapers...the theme was New York and I had the "great" idea to build a skyline.  I broke down, beside myself with stress from it all needing to be done the next day with sooo much left to do.  In my tears I exclaimed, "Who would want to marry me?!?" (something we had been kidding around about earlier in the day).  Sean got me down off the chair I was standing on, sat me down and proposed right then and there. 

So, when we have blue tape in our hands and black construction paper everywhere in a few days...we can think how far we've come in the past seven years...how it's all been better than we could have hoped for that night.  How we can do anything...together.

Little Summer Adventure...

Since tonight's Mac first summer vacation night I thought it'd be fun to take him to Disneyland to see the awesome fireworks show they have for their 50th anniversary.  Little complication was that tonight was Awards Night at Sean's school so he had to be there till just after 8pm.  We decided to be adventurous and try to make it in time.  We were waiting in our garage when Sean pulled in the driveway and we were off.  After parking and the tram ride to the park, we made it through the gates as the fireworks first started.  We ran onto Main Street, watched the show and then turned around to head home.  We were at Disneyland for fourteen minutes, but we got to see the show and it was such a fun little kickoff to summer vacation. :)

Dreams of...

of a cottage garden...those two words sound so good together, don't they?

Lately I have coming up with grandiose plans for our front yard on about a two dollar budget.  It all started because the little round bushes are not doing well so I thought of replacing them and then we haven't done a good job of planting flowers yet this year.  Then my imagination took hold and next thing I was volunteering Sean to single-handily remove all the pink cement and replace it with more lawn and a little brick walkway...no problem, right?  I have dreams of flowers, little lights, trees that change seasonally and just altogether cuteness.

So, this afternoon as Mac and I celebrated his last day of school with lunch at Rutabegorz in Orange, I glanced next door to Organic Art Plants.  I always have wanted to wander through there but never have.  After lunch, Mac and I checked it out and it is beyond cool.  All kinds of plants clearly labeled with various gardening tips and suggestions.  I ended up talking to the owner, actually it was more like asking him 1000 questions, the nicest, most enthusiastic man.  He mentioned that he will come out to your house and do a consult with a digital plan for your yard.  After double checking with Sean I scheduled a visit for July 8th (have to wait till we're done with Camp).  More than anything Sean and I just need to LEARN and this guy is a treasure trove of information and is so willing to share it...I can't wait.

Maybe, just maybe, my dreams of the cozy, colorful little gardens surrounding my house will come true...

Dad...

Wanted to share a little of the Father's Day gift that got shipped off to Oklahoma yesterday.  I think I've mentioned before that my dad and I didn't have the best relationship growing up, so it makes me appreciate that he and I get along nowadays a whole lot more.  He seems to love that I make him stuff, which I love, so I made him a CD of music and wrote notes about each song.   

I used a cool book binding technique that I learned in my Chatterbox class at CKU last month and the CD is in the envelope.

Everything that could go wrong did while making this book, but oh well that's the fun of being creative...creatively fixing your mistakes! :)

Here's some of the notes I included...

4) When You Say Nothing At All—Alison Krauss This is the one Peg sang at her wedding reception…a few years before that she had hinted that she was going to sing it at my wedding reception since I had just found the song and LOVED it, I guess she saved it for hers, that or we didn’t have alcohol at our reception—just kidding. It reminded me so much of Sean & my relationship at that point “It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart, without saying a word you can light up dark. Try as it may I could never explain what I hear when you don’t say a thing. The smile on your face let’s me know that you need me. There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me.”… “Old Mr. Webster could never define what’s being said between your heart and mine” I could quote the whole damn song…it’s perfect.

5) You’ll Be In My Heart—Phil Collins This song is all about holding Mac in my arms…I can’t listen to it without tears welling up in my eyes. Another memory is, this song was playing on the radio in my car the Friday afternoon I pulled up to our new house with the key in my hand for the very first time, I just sat in the car listening to it as I literally just gazed at our new home trying to take it all in. Silly, I know, but I felt from that moment on this house would be in my heart too…

6) Ain’t Too Proud To Beg—The Temptations It wouldn’t be a CD for Dad if I didn’t include a little Temptations or Four Tops…so I picked my very favorite one. I often dance around to this one…so feel free to join me when you listen to it. :)

7) America—Neil Diamond This song was a key part of my repertoire early on in my “performance” career. I was always preparing a showstopper lip-sync & dance routine for anyone who would watch, as I’m sure you remember all too proudly.

9) Daughters—John Mayer This song is not even a year old, but it spoke to me right away. John Mayer is kind of like a modern day James Taylor, just a voice and a guitar. I usually don’t like father-daughter mushiness songs but this one works for me. To me it says be vigilant, you have a lot of effect on a daughter’s life, and the way she views herself. “On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl, you are guarding the weight of her world”

10) Motet—J.S. Bach Ahhh, Stuckenholtz…Senior year, Chamber Singers, (thanks to a lot of voice lessons you paid for) a 16-part Bach Motet that took almost fifteen minutes to perform. The hardest piece he ever taught…I practically had to sing a part by myself because we split 16 parts between the 20 kids in Chambers. I’m sure we performed this at the end of a loooong concert so you probably were already dozing off, but it’s really neat to listen to…hear the notes go all over the place, up & down, up & down…listen to the end…you can’t begin to imagine what an amazing accomplishment it felt like to get to those last notes…it was like you were floating at that point…it really is a beautiful piece, one of my favorites from my four years of choir.

11) Closer to Fine—Indigo Girls I discovered this song the summer I lived at your house and it has become an anthem of sorts to me. I listen to it over and over as I drive up to school to take any and every test…every single time …I literally will go back home and get the CD if I forget it…dumb superstition I guess. Love the lyrics “I spent fours years prostrate to the higher minds, got my paper and I was free”…granted at the rate I’m going I’ll spend twenty years prostrate to the higher minds. :)

13) Oklahoma—Broadway Cast I don’t know if you remember this, but I so clearly recall the first time I heard this was out of that huge record player piece of furniture thing you and Mom had in the house on Rosewood. The two of you played this for me and sung along…I remember thinking it was so cool. Ironic now, huh? As I always tease…greatest state in the union. :)

14) Run-Around--Blues Traveler I’m sure you don’t remember this, but this song was on the radio on one of our many trips to Traverse. I had just finished my freshman year at Redlands; Peggy had just finished that Brush Ranch Adventure Camp (otherwise known as three weeks of scary outdoorsy stuff that Nora would NEVER do). We were almost to Beatsie’s…heading out on to the peninsula on a beautiful afternoon. I was driving, going up and down all those little rolling hills, trying to pay attention to the road instead of looking for the brief glimpses of the lake as you move along. The windows were rolled down and Peg and I had this song turned up. I swear that is my favorite road in this world…I could make that drive over and over and this song always reminds me of that.

16) Everything—Alanis Morissette I wanted to share this one with you. I discovered it around this time last year and immediately it meant so much to me. Every word of the lyrics exemplifies my relationship with Sean and reminds me how beyond lucky I am to have him. The chorus, “You see everything, you see every part. You see all my light and you love my dark. You dig everything of which I’m ashamed. There’s not anything to which you can’t relate. And you’re still here…” See how lucky I am? :)

18) Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)—Green Day This is the consummate “last song”. The chorus says, “It’s something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I hope you’ve had the time of your life”…the last strum on the guitar is perfection, it’s simple and uplifting. This is the type of song that you listen to while a random retrospective of your life floats through your mind and you reaffirm that you HAVE had the time of your life. It reminds me of how fortunate I am, all the amazing moments that have taken place, and the relationships that have helped make my days meaningful.

So, there you have it…Music 101 by Nora for Dad. :) It amazing to me how it encompasses so many emotions…granted I left the “I Hate My Father!!!” punk rock songs off the list…just kidding…sorry, just couldn’t resist. :) Can I say again how much fun this was to put together for you…so many memories…I hope you were able to relive a couple too…Happy Father’s Day

Thanks for letting me share this...I know it was A LOT to read...so no worries if you just skimmed. :)

Crying it out...

“These arms of mine, they are lonely

Lonely and feeling blue

These arms of mine, they are yearning

Yearning from wanting you"          …Otis Redding

This played in the car tonight on the hour drive home from our friend’s house. Tears were quietly streaming down my cheeks.

We were celebrating their daughter’s first birthday.  Right before we left the other couple we’re friends with told us they were pregnant.  They’d been trying for almost a year with no luck and were just on the cusp of figuring out their infertility issues. She and I were talking about it a couple weeks ago when all of us went to an Angel’s game together.  Turns out she’s nine weeks pregnant.  I was thrilled for them, they have wanted this for so long and are going to be amazing parents.  I actually jumped up and down when they told us, I felt so bad for them a couple weeks ago when she shared what they were going through and I had said a bunch of prayers for them in the short time since we’d seen them last.  They re-assured us, "You’re next...you’re next"

Do, you know how many times I’ve heard that this year?  How many pregnancy announcements I’ve been thrilled to hear and then it sets in.

The ache...the persistent emptiness...

“July, right?" is what they asked us since I had shared with her that we were hoping to try to do in-vitro next month.  Truth be told, I am scared to death.  Frightened out of my mind to officially start the process...we’ve done the necessary little aspects surrounding it, consults, genetic testing, but REALLY going for it freaks me out.  I can’t begin to imagine it and when it comes down to it part of me is I’m royally pissed that I have to do it.  It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s not that I’m not willing, it’s just that I want to act like a whining child and cry, "why me???". 

It’s such a freaking roller coaster...I am okay, I can do this...I don’t want to, there’s just no way...up...down...up...down.

I know it will all work out one way or another, I know am already beyond lucky to have the life I have and the guys I share it with, but tonight I just need to cry the ache out.

Thanks for listening

phew...

No more deep breaths...today was good...really good...

...went to bed at two in the morning last night because I stayed up working on my Dad's gift for Father's Day...I'm making him a CD of music and typing up my own "liner notes"...I wrote everything for all eighteen songs last night...it's four pages long, so I need to figure out some creative way to get it either into a CD case or make my own little CD book/holder dealie-bobber

...woke up to the cable guy here to fix the internet.  Yea...high speed is back

...Mac's award ceremony was great..in addition to being recognized for writing a book, he got an award for his improvement in Math

...Mac had a looong & eagerly awaited play-date with his best friend Maddie today...they had way too much fun...they wanted to have a "photo shoot" and then make scrapbooks for their friends with some little pictures I printed for them

...I got two packages in the mail.  I took advantage of the special offer Gilded Lilee had at TwoPeas and I got the best little package of ribbon today...the ribbons are so cool!  Then a J.Crew box showed up on my porch this afternoon holding the two pairs of flip-flops I ordered from the sale e-mail I got from them the other day...between looking at them every single time I get a catalog, hearing the stamp of approval from Tara, (but, T, I think we have the same striped ones now, hope you don't mind. :) ) and the sale prices, I finally tried them...and they are super-duper comfy...makes me want more...but I think I've done enough shoe shopping this week...if there is such a thing...at least they were all on sale :)

...had CPK take-out for dinner...looove their Pear Gorgonzola pizza...minus the salad on top...that weirds me out for some reason

...the teacher/bus driver gifts are all done and ready to go for next week

...the house is straightened up

...I suggested Mac take a bubble bath for fun tonight and he gave me a huge hug...I asked him him, "Well, aren't I just best mom in the whole wide world" 

His answer?

"Yeah, today you are"

So there you have it...today all is well in my world :)

Trying to be positive...

So we all know Monday was crap...Tuesday and Wednesday were better...Thursday=crap X's 2.

So, as opposed to another woe-is-me post, I think I merely state the issues and then move on the much more pleasant, "I'll find something positive even if it kills me" :)

Today's issues...

1. more ride manipulation from Mom...from now on she gets a big fat, "Nope, Can't, Sorry" (the story from today is something else but I'll spare you the reading)

2. more total neglect of things around the house from Sean...but now we've had a good, long "discussion" about it...at least that's solved for awhile

3. more homework meltdowns from Mac...solved that with a good, long time-out

4. saw a, can't even say it, R...A...T scurry in the backyard...not that I have confirmation on it, it could have been something else...but I saw SOMETHING...Sean's already been to the hardware store for all kinds of preventative measures...I knew it would happen at some point with two neighbors on both sides that love lush green overgrown backyards...but I have a zero tolerance policy...somehow Sean will have to ensure whatever I saw is GONE, GONE, GONE

5. have 100,000 things to do again...it's the most wonderful time of the year...two weeks before Camp and I have to get going preparing tons of stuff for eighty campers to make scrapbooks...oh and Father's Day gifts to make, oh and end of the year gifts

6. the cable internet has been down all day so I'm on dial-up (thankfully there's something) and have to wait for the technician to come fix the problem

Okay...happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

1. got to make a quick stop at the Nordstrom's Half Yearly Sale yesterday and put the gift-card I got for my birthday, & saved especially for the sale, to good use...three pairs of new shoes

2. am close to having all the end of the year gifts done

3. have several fun visits with friends planned in the next couple weeks

4. have Mac's assembly at school tomorrow where he's getting two awards

5. have accomplished more organizing around the house

6. made dinner tonight despite the crapola day

Yea!!  See, all is well with the world...sort of :) 

Ticked with the world...

Well, not the whole world, but the three most important people in my life are collectively infuriating me today...I'm not the kind that can keep something in, I have to say it before I go nuts...so I figured I'd share it here...happy thoughts, right?

1. Mom

I'm sorry I don't think we need to provide chauffeur services all the time...especially when you aren't straight forward about it...DON'T ASK AT THE LAST MINUTE WHEN YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF THE CAR FOR A RIDE BACK LATER--WHEN YOU KNEW YOU NEEDED IT YESTERDAY...I am not that patient of a daughter...and I don't care if my husband's endlessly patient, don't take advantage of it...

2. Sean

When I ask you to do something, please do it...better yet, don't wait for me to ask...when you are vigilant like that I think you're best thing since sliced bread...when you walk past tasks day after day or keep things so unorganized that you can never remember what you need to do, chances are I will go ape-shit...

P.S. PLEASE never forget to order my thyroid medication from the prescription refill service again...thanks

3. Mac

I'm sorry you have a mom that stays at home and can pick you up from school everyday and spend time with you...I can see where the ever elusive paradise that is "after school care" is so appealing.  I can't tell you how good it makes me feel that you ask to be there.  In fact, the daily whining you seem to inevitably do in general when I pick you up each afternoon really makes me feel like a million bucks altogether.  I try to explain, give examples, talk about being thankful for what you have...but who cares about all that babble...continue complaining about everything on this earth, it's great...really great.

So, there you have it.  I'm a horrible daughter, a bitch of a wife and an incompetent mother.  One issue at a time I probably could handle, but today's triple-whammy (along with a massive dose of PMS) has me about a second away from an all out World War III tirade...deep breaths...deep breaths...

Thanks for letting me share :)

sharing some random aspects of today...

I have nothing particularly profound to say, so I figured I'd stick with a synopsis of my day...

--scrapbooked two pages (the scanner didn't like the little letter beads on this one so it got a little wonky and made the Li'l Davis clock-face look like a black blob)

--cleaned out closets for the garage sale we're having on Saturday

--made homemade potato cheese soup and bacon ranch salads for dinner...I'm just so domestic sometimes! :)

--UPS delivered a big box from Creative Imaginations today.  April suggested a few weeks ago that I should ask them to donate some of their superhero line for Camp this year.  The packing slip read that they sent $291 dollars worth of products WHOLESALE!!  The retail equivalent would be close to $600 dollars of supplies for the campers to use...36 packs each of three different kinds of stickers and 300 sheets of patterned paper...I am floored...I cannot wait to see the look on the campers faces as they put their 3-D Wonder Woman stickers in their books that I would have never been able to afford with the Camp budget...I just keep peeking in the box trying to comprehend their generosity

--helped Mac cut out a bunch of crosses from construction paper so he could write his over-due First Communion thank you notes...which he did like a champ...no whining no meltdowns...he saved that for later

--watched Hit Me Baby 1 More Time...sort of interesting...it's pretty cut & dry...no extra drama needed...just old artists performing to win money for charity...kinda cool

--made a bunch of new mailing labels and got them all cut up and organized into my little mailing label basket...yes, I know I'm sick

I think that's about it for today...I still need to update a few lists in my palm pilot and then I'm off to bed...night! :)

Danger! Danger!

Nora found something new (well actually it's all old)...that she thinks is pretty darn cool.

Granted it puts no one in harms way...except for the Griffin family pocketbook.

Antique stores

It's a treasure hunt for cool old stuff to scrapbook with...old scrabble pieces, dictionary, seed packets, and other little books.  Then there were neat old tins and boxes so I HAD to get some of those too.

It was waaaayyy too much fun...Sean and I were like kids in a candy shop...he loved looking at old metal lunch boxes and golf clubs.

The best part is Old Towne Orange has a whole area full of these stores and we only got to four today so that means more treasure hunts in the future.

Under the Influence...

Okay, don't judge me...

Tonight I hung out a friend's house and I drove home under the influence...actually I drove to her house the same way earlier in the evening.

Under the influence of the "dancing" play-list I made on my I-pod.

I am all too enamored with dance music (granted I think some of this has been addressed on here before)...I dream of being a, I don't know, a go-go dancer or something...or a drummer, that would be cool.

I just love all the different beats...I have horrid taste when it comes down to it--some is cheesy, some is by weird artists, the lyrics on some songs make me almost ashamed, yet I'm still bouncing around to them...it's the damn beat...just can't get enough of it.

I often scrap under the influence of my blasting dance songs too...on more than one occasion Sean has had to remind me that our neighbors probably don't want to hear the sounds of, "I like big butts and I cannot lie" flying out the windows of our house at 1am.

So, tonight on the way home at 11pm I was all over the freeway, thankfully there were no other cars around and when I say "all over" I really mean I caught myself swerving slightly as the result of a couple of dance moves.  Music was blasting as loud as it could go and it made my drive home too short, if there is such a thing...I actually contemplated driving around the block once to give the song a chance to finish.

So, here it is...I'm baring my soul...well actually just my play-list...

Please don't think less of me :)